19. May 2004 13:42
Dear Mr. McLain,
On Tuesday, May 18th, in the year of our Lord 2004, I had dinner at your new establishment: Green Zebra. The portions enabled me and my companion to sample as many of the menu items as would ordinarily be impossible outside of a party of 6 and the flavors were worthy of your esteemed reputation as one of the city’‘s finest chefs.
The prices were amazingly reasonable causing me to proclaim the dinner a success, place Green Zebra on my list of gastronomical triumphs and vow a quick return. We couldn’‘t wait for desert! Having been on a cheese-tasting campaign for the last few months, my accomplice and I were intrigued by your selections, many of which we had never had and decided to make them our desert! Them…
Can you imagine the crushing blow of reality when we discovered that 6 US dollars bought but one type of cheese? Based on the pricing structure, 24 US dollars would be required in order to sample every unique and tasty variety. I was mortified.
On May 18th, in the year of our Lord 2004, GOLD closed at 382 US$/oz or 13.474664456 US$/gram. Now I am not sure how many grams constitute a cheese course at Green Zebra but observing the size of previous portions, I can only hope that it is more than 1.781120418 grams. If it is not, Green Zebra values its collection of cheeses (average retail price of which is ~25 US$/lb.) more than gold.
I would hate to imagine the chaos that would ensue if word of such valuations got out. Markets would quickly feel the might of a powerful new commodity next to which precious metals are but a moon-cast shadow. Demand for cheese and other dairy products would skyrocket and roaming gangs of hoodlums would make cattle thievery a profitable profession once more. Amish cheese-producing communes would create a cartel and hold other cheese-industrialized faiths at the mercy of relentless cheese embargos. This is to say nothing of the black-market cheeses that would surface and potentially get eaten before being aged the requisite 60 days.
I can only hope that when asked about what started these horrors you have the decency to say: The Cheese Course at Green Zebra.