E. Leaven Food Company 2010-05-08

The golden rule could use a modern update: No one likes your kids or your pets so inflict either upon others at your peril. As we walked through the doors into the sounds of screaming offspring we knew this lunch wouldn’t be like the last.

We live in the city for a reason. Chicago expertly keeps out annoying young people and the even more annoying goofs who spawn them by providing the country’s fattest ghettos and leanest schooling. This combination usually keeps out all but the richest children and these too, since their parents are forever skiing in the Alps, rarely go out to restaurants with nanny. Thank whatever gods you believe in for today, E. Leaven was exhibit A in dining with young offspring. Woe be had.

WAAAAAAAAAAA! AUUUUUUUGH! EEEEEEEEEEE! SHAAAAAADUUUUUP! My god. Is there a critical mass for children in the room before the noise reaction becomes self-sustaining and uncontrollable? Why has there not been a study done on this? When we first arrived we were delighted because the restaurant seemed busy and we like when excellence is rewarded but as we surveyed the scene we realized that it only looked busy. The rest of vacant space was occupied by strollers. Singles. Doubles. Everywhere. Was there an ad on Craig’s List for free formula or did someone decide to stage a nurse-in? Nope. Turns out, the owner, or someone who freely passed between both sides of the counter without a uniform owned one of the noisy pests and evidently other breeders hear the sound of crying and feel welcome with their own demented brood.

Waiting was a nightmare. The kids themselves weren’t as bad as the parents who feel that kid-management is a Hollywood production. With a big budget. Of noise. And dirt. And kiss-my-buttocks stares. I was ready for battle when the food came – and tranquility descended. E. Leaven is still excellent. The Matzo Ball Soup is the best I’ve ever had and today the turkey club was terrific too. I’ve had 3 sandwiches here and each was better than the last. But maybe I’m just remembering it that way. Clearly, a roast beef is far superior to a chicken club. Just sayin’. I only wish that those who choose to inflict a fresh mix of their retarded DNA upon the world would take their experiments elsewhere.